SPOILER ALERT: Do not read unless you've finished page 773 in VOYAGER.
When I'm deep inside of me don't be too concerned. I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone. But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn? Because you're the one that I depend upon. ~Billy Joel
Jamie Fraser is flawed. And I'm having a hard time with it, Sassenachs.I am going to post an email I just sent to Tracey - my sister and Outlander "mentor" - and Jenn M who is reading closely alongside me - page for page - as I read the series. Why? Because I'm just that spent from the emotional events of this evening's chapter... and I just can't write it all down again. Follow along if you will, keeping in mind that it was I who defended Jamie Fraser to the death when both Tracey and Jenn were so mad at him for not telling Claire about Laoghaire.
I am on page 774 - the first page of Chapter 60. Just got finished the gut-wrenching section of Mr. Willoughby (possibly?) killing that woman (I don't believe it - and now how is Jamie going to travel by boat again???) - and Claire seeing Jamie with John Grey - and Claire hearing the truth about Willie, first from John and then from Jamie.
I have knots in my stomach.
I have knots in my stomach.
When there are sexy parts, the thing that makes them so great is that I feel like they're happening to me.
But finding out the truth about Jamie's past feels like it's happening to me, too.
But finding out the truth about Jamie's past feels like it's happening to me, too.
I feel betrayed. I feel like he should have told her so long ago. I feel like he wussed out - again. And all of these times of wussing out are adding up to one, big non-trustworthy guy. I totally disagreed when Claire told him "because you're an honest man, Jamie Fraser." I don't feel like he's so honest right now. I feel like there is too much I don't know about him and honest to god - if I were Claire, I'd need to get away from him for a while. I'd need space and I'd need to sort out my feelings and see if I even was able to be with him on a permanent basis. He's just so full of crazy stories right now - I can't even breathe around him.
The knots have been in my stomach ever since Claire saw the embrace between Jamie and John. I literally felt sick for pages and pages, not knowing wtf was going on with them. I guess I can get past it - because, honestly, if I had a friend who was in love with me - and she showed me a picture of my son who I wasn't able to lay claim to - one whom she was raising for me - I'd hug her fervently, too. And I'd think nothing of it. So why should the fact that they're men make the situation any different?
But - Geneva. Sigh. I'm so upset. Why didn't he tell her everything? I am sick over the fact that he didn't use the phrase "only one night". That would have helped. For all she knows, he was screwing her for months. All the while not even being in love with her. Why didn't he tell her she blackmailed him? I don't get it. I really don't.
I just... need a break. I need a break from Jamie Fraser. So help me god I want to put this book down right now and not pick it up again for a while. Because I'm hurt. And I'm sad. And most of all I feel like I don't know him; and that is the scariest part of all.
(Drama Queen, party of 1????)
It has hit me after sitting here thinking about it. Claire should not have had to see that embrace. Jamie put her in an awkward position by taking her to that house, knowing John Grey would be there, and knowing she was in the dark about everything. He should have told her. And I understand that he didn't know JG was going to give him the photo... and it was emotional for him. But still. That doesn't make it right. I'm pissed. He. Should. Have. Told. Her. She did not deserve to spend her evening feeling sick after seeing her husband emotionally embracing someone else.